There seems to be a slight disturbance on the sidewalk in front of the busy shopping center. Men stare in bewilderment and slight astonishment, children walk into the legs of adults and nearby walls as they stare with a look on their little faces that rests somewhere between terror, confusion, and amusement, and women of all ages blush and giggle like pre-pubescent book baggers when they are acknowledged. What is going on here? Is it some Chinese singing sensation or mega star from CCTV walking by? Is it some international sporting icon or Hollywood super celeb that is causing this kerfuffle? A reincarnated Mao Tse Tung? Some grotesque freak of nature crawled from the murky depths of the South China Sea? A cool breeze? A store bought hamburger patty? Yao Ming? No. No, it isn’t any of that. No, it’s just me :)
Now, those of you who know me well know that I am given to moments of great hyperbole- often followed by moments of great understatement, like saying that I have moments of hyperbole, when it’s much more accurate to say that, for me, hyperbole is a lifestyle- but in this instance I promise you there is no hyperbole, no bullshit, this is the way it is. I kid you not, everywhere I go I draw a ton of attention. Now fortunately, I have never been one who has disliked a bit of attention- there’s that understatement again- so for me this is freaking fabulous. It is like being famous! Let me give you a quick tour of my day today.
I met a student for lunch at about 12:30 and I didn’t even manage to get through lunch before the first picture seeker of the day happened by. So there I am mugging for the camera before my bowels have even considered the possibility of digestion. Later in the afternoon, after a walk through the park that brought countless stares and numerous people grabbing a snapshot from my periphery, I landed in a little soda fountain shoppe where the woman across the way requested a photo before the ice had begun to melt in my glass. It’s 32 celcius here today and ice doesn’t last long, so that can tell you how fast her trigger was. (She also requested and received my We Chat ID and told me to keep in touch. That happens pretty regularly, too) Later, I went for a steak dinner with a friend and children and adults were damned near falling down the stairs and walking into walls to have a look. Bizarre stuff by’. But there you have it. All in all a fairly typical day. And that doesn’t even bring into the discussion all of the looks and holy shit reactions I got walking down the streets.
Having a hard time believing it? Don’t worry, so am I, but that is the way it is. Like I said, no hyperbole. Seldom a day goes by at school that some student or students aren’t coming up to me and telling me how handsome or cute I am, statements usually followed by a giggle, a blush, and the running away, and it isn’t just the girls. Well, the giggle, blushing, and running away part is just the girls. But, I gotta tell ya, it’s great for the ego. As if mine really needed any further inflation in the first place but that’s not the point. Well, what is the point? I seem to have gotten lost in the radiant glow of my well-polished ego, my own majesty there for a sec…ah,yes. It’s bizarre! That’s what I was trying to get at. It is just bizarre the amount of attention I get, the number of photographs I have taken in any given day. I was walking through the park one day when a man close to my own age saw me, pulled out his phone and started walking backwards to try and get the shot he wanted. I gave him a break and stopped and posed. And he was only one of the seven that I noticed taking my picture that day. How many did I not see? No way to tell. Let me show you exhibit B.
I lost my phone and had to buy a new one. I bought a local Chinese product, and it’s a real good phone, but I was having difficulty loading a couple of my favorite apps on it. So, off I go to the phone store where I bought it a week earlier. Twenty minutes and two photo sessions later I had the apps I wanted. Yep, two of the girls at the phone store just couldn’t get through their day without getting their faces in a frame with the glory, grace, and humbled greatness that is yours truly. And well, who can blame them really. You know, I have tried my darnedest to maintain a modicum of modesty here but why fight the truth? I am a glorious thing to behold, don’t you know. I am considering setting up a booth on one of the busy street corners in my area and charging a modest fee- $30 ought to do fine- to give all those admirers who so desperately wish to photograph and be photographed with one so obviously their better, the opportunity to pose with me and waft in my opulence. Perhaps I will quit my job and profit solely from my magnificence. I will spread my splendor throughout the land. I am a god amongst men, grovel at mine feet all ye mere mortals! This power shall last forever and I shall rule the earth!! Fame will last forever!! I mean, it has lasted 13 minutes already. What can stop it now?
And you thought I meant it when I said no more hyperbole.
Post script: Just in case you think the preceding article is all B.S.
The morning after penning this piece of egoist masturbation, I hopped on my bike and rode 25k to a local tourist hot spot. One small problem: I became the attraction. When I pulled up just outside the main gate three older folks with cameras almost as large as my now grossly swollen ego hopped into action. It was like Brad and Angelina had pulled up in a limo to walk the red carpet at the Oscars! And the paparazzi goes wild!! And don’t even get me started on the amount of photos of me that were taken. As Bugs Bunny once said, “Ah, me public.”
Get the picture ;)china